Candle Wax
by leiasky
Summary: Jayne loses at cards and must tell a story. And since its Jayne, it devolves into his very favorite topic, much to Simon's disgust.....


**Candle Wax**

"Jayne lost, so he needs ta tell us a story about – " Kaylee thought a moment and then grinned widely " – the worst kinda pain you ever had."

Kaylee's smile was infectious and even the normally far too serious Simon Tam found himself grinning at her enthusiasm while at the same time wincing at her chosen topic, which he knew, from past experience, would turn dirty as Jayne was telling the story.

They were playing a game that required the loser to tell a true story, the topic to be chosen by the winner and Jayne had just lost to Kaylee's win.

"I'm not sure River should be here for this," Simon said, placing a hand on his sister's arm. He hadn't wanted her to be there as Inara paid for her loss, after Jayne had won that hand, but he was grateful for the delicate way she had told her story. Even Book's admonishment about discussing fornication around the dinner table had been ignored and Simon suspected that was because the Captain really wanted to hear Inara's tale.

"Already know what's in his head. Can't be any more frightening," River said calmly.

"Don't tell us," Wash shivered as he wrapped his arms around his wife's waist. "We just ate."

Simon winced but was immediately distracted when Kaylee scooted closer and leaned against him. Ever since Early had shot him in the leg, Kaylee had been incredibly attentive, and he found himself enjoying the extra attention.

"Well," Jayne leaned back in his chair and let his gaze shift around the room. "I been in a lot of pain in my life, but the worst ever had ta been when I visited Miss Mona's."

"Let me guess, she moaned so loud you couldn't concentrate?" Wash asked, eyebrows rising with the smile that passed across his face.

Jayne scoffed and dismissed the married man with a wave of his hand. "Hell, don't need to concentrate to sex a woman."

"There's a comment there, but I think I'll refrain," Simon said with a shake of his head.

Kaylee turned a wide smile and big eyes on him and he was suddenly grateful no one asked him to elaborate because the look on Kaylee's face wiped the comment right out of his mind.

River giggled at the growing sexual tension sizzling between Kaylee and her brother. Proud of herself, she resisted the temptation to lean forward, flatten her hand between Simon's shoulder blades and give him a push in the bubbly mechanic's direction.

"Well, get on with it, Jayne," Mal said, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. He wasn't really looking forward to hearing any more of Jayne's whoring stories, but the man was stupendously stupid at cards, and continued to lose.

"Oh yeah, well, I needed some trim – bad, been weeks, and I was 'bout ready to pop –"

"Weeks?" River asked, her eyebrows raised with curiosity. She turned to her brother and grinned knowingly at him. "Good thing you're used to going months without –"

"River!"

Damage done, River closed her mouth with a happy smile.

Simon flushed and he closed his eyes, knowing that Kaylee had turned to him and was studying his face intently.

Suddenly Wash leaned forward and commiserated with Simon. "You know, I'm glad I never had any sisters."

Simon slowly opened his eyes, ignoring the intensely curious look Kaylee was giving him, and glared at his sister. "Would you like one? I'm sure I could arrange it."

"Am the fun one," River nodded to Wash. "You'd love me." She elbowed Simon in the arm. "He's too dull."

"Aww," Kaylee leaned against Simon again and gave him one of her supernova smiles. "No he ain't. He's fun when ya ain't embarrassin' 'im."

Jayne cleared his throat, ending the conversation. "I _know_ my story's more interestin' than learnin' 'bout the last time the doc got some," Jayne smirked at Simon. "Now where was I?"

"Horny," River answered and Simon leaned forward and took a long, long gulp of Kaylee's inter-fermented engine hooch.

"When is he not?" Wash asked, and then closed his mouth when Zoe elbowed his side. 

Jayne scowled at Wash and continued. "Anyway, Mona was trainin' some new girls, an' I was jus lucky 'nuff to stop by on a slow day."

Book suddenly stood. "You know. I think this is really more than I need to hear. I think I'll turn in." He turned to Simon. "Should I take –"

River immediately turned to the Shepherd. "Need to know these things. Was too little for mother to teach and Simon won't ever talk about sex with me – even if he was getting it regularly and not so uptight about it."

Simon groaned and took another long sip of his drink. After a few long sips, Kaylee took the nearly empty mug out of his hand and refilled it. He didn't stop her.

Mal and Inara exchanged a look that spoke volumes before returning their attention to Book and Simon.

"Its fine," the doctor forced out, clearly uncertain his voice would work. "I can't believe I'm agreeing to this – she can stay." She was right after all. He didn't want to instruct her about sex. Though he wasn't sure there was enough alcohol in the 'verse that would make him feel right about River learning about the act from Jayne.

"Wouldn't go anyway," River said stubbornly crossing her arms and staring at Simon. "I need to learn sometime." She nudged her brother. "Need to loosen up, drink more, it'll help. Intercourse is a natural –"

Mal cleared his throat and raised his hand. "I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but Jayne, you were sayin'?"

As Book left, Jayne nodded. "Right. Well, anyway, Mona was teachin' her new girls some new tech-niques. Said I could have a free go if I let 'em practice." He was getting aroused just thinking about those sumptuous women and with a feral look in his eyes, continued. "One busty beauty was dressed up in all this leather, hot I tell you, and the other was dressed in that slinky stuff 'Nara wears."

Wash gawked at Inara. "He's seen your slinky stuff?" He looked from Simon to Mal. "Have you seen her slinky stuff?" Then back to Inara. "Why haven't any of us seen your slinky stuff?"

"You'd better not be looking at her slinky stuff, husband."

"When did we start servicing crew?" Mal asked with a raised eyebrow and a lopsided grin.

Inara made a very unladylike face at him and scowled at Jayne. "Perhaps you'd like me to tell them just why you've seen any of my – slinky clothes?"

"No," Jayne said quickly just as Wash, Simon, Kaylee and River chirped in with a very loud, "Yes!"

"My story, not yours." Jayne growled, favoring each one of them with a scowl.

Kaylee glanced around the table and everyone nodded at her unspoken question.

"Yup, Inara loses the next round."

Inara leaned smugly back against her chair, ignoring Mal's pointed stare.

Jayne swallowed nervously, his brain short circuiting as he thought about Inara recounting that very embarrassing tale.

"Jayne?" Mal's voice drew the mercenary's attention.

"Oh, Yeah. Right." Jayne cleared his throat. "Anyway, these were fine specimens of womanhood and after the red head was done dominatin' me to the burstin' point, the blonde dripped hot candle wax all over some real sensitive places."

Simon winced in disgust, Wash trembled as he imagined the pain such a substance would cause down below in those regions. Mal rolled his eyes while Inara remained silent, a passive look on her face.

Only Kaylee seemed excited as she leaned against Simon. "Sounds like fun," she muttered beneath her breath but loud enough so that Simon was sure to hear her.

"I think I screamed my bloody lungs out." Jayne said with a smile. "But that was some of the hottest pleasure a woman's ever given me. Damn witch she got me off so much, I couldn't get it up for days."

Simon's mouth gaped like a fish out of water at the crude way Jayne relayed his tale but when he caught Kaylee's eyes and saw the smile curling her lips, he wondered just why, again, he'd chosen to ignore her advances. With one more swig of the suddenly very tasty booze, Simon decided that maybe River was right – sex was natural, and a great way to relieve tension.

River cocked her head and regarded Jayne with a curious look. "Did the wax hurt more going on, or coming off?"

END

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